by Gary K. Wolf
INT. DAILY SHOW SET - RETURN FROM COMMERCIAL BREAK
Welcome back to The Daily Show. Our guest tonight has been called a gull, a dirty dog, a booby, a goose, a cootie, an old goat, a cat's paw, a horse's ass, a gibbering gibbon. He's actually a very funny bunny. Let's hear it for Roger Rabbit!
SFX: Audience applause.
Roger comes out. Trips, falls over his own ear. Gets up, grins sheepishly. Bends his ear back into shape. Sits down in guest chair across from Jon.
Hi, Jon. P-p-p-pleased to be here!
Glad to have you. Tell me, Roger, what's the hardest thing about being a Toon?
Avoiding erasers. No, fading in sunlight. No, being bonked on the head by anvils and sledge hammers, and grand pianos. No, keeping a straight face at operas. No, falling in love and having your heart thump so hard you look like your chest is sprouting a valentine.
(Contemplates, scratches head with ear.)
Shucks, none of that's so bad.
We've both been in the movies. In fact, some call my films as cartoonish as yours. Describe your worst experience in Hollywood.
That's easy. The time the Friars invited me to a celebrity roast. Their menu included rabbit stew, hasenpfeffer, rabbit dip, Welsh rabbit, rabbit McMuffin, and country fried rabbit, all you can eat. They seated me on the head table.
You seem like such a down-to-Earth rabbit. Has stardom changed your life?
A little bit. I get to play baseball with the Simply Splendiferous Stellar Somebunnies. The March Hare, the White Rabbit, Peter Cottontail, Oswald the Lucky Rabbit, Thumper, Peter Rabbit, Bugs Bunny, Br'er Rabbit, the Playboy Rabbit, the Easter Bunny, and me. I'm third base. Thumper's the ball. That skinny scamp Bugs, he's the bat. Big old Peter Cottontail's the right field wall.
You've been called a wild hare. Any truth to the persistent rumor that you're a wolf in sheep's clothing?
Baaa. How do those stories get started? Just because I like to go out in my backyard and howl at the moon wearing nothing but fuzzy wool ear muffs, and Jessica's with me dressed as Little Bo Peep. I mean, who doesn't from time to time?
Here's something that's always bothered me. Bugs Bunny performs nude. Why do you wear pants?
They hold my suspenders down.
You're the master of wacky, bizarre, almost surrealistic comedy. I gotta ask you. Where do you get your ideas?
Well, Jon, it's real easy. Just use your imagination!
Roger Rabbit. Starring this July in a short story in the hot science fiction magazine Penumbra.
(show magazine cover)
Pick up a copy at your local download.
Roger, thanks for coming.
It's been my p-p-p-p-p... It's been swell.
SFX: Thunderous audience applause.
FADE TO BLACK.
Gary K. Wolf’s novel Who Censored Roger Rabbit? became a visual
reality in Disney/Spielberg’s $950 million blockbuster film Who Framed
Roger Rabbit. The film won four Academy Awards and the Hugo Award.
Two of Wolf’s science fiction novels, The Resurrectionist and
Killerbowl, are currently in development as major motion pictures.
Learn more about Gary Wolf on his website and on Space Vulture.